Friday, 3 January 2014

Shark Charged With War Crimes

In protest of the proposed shark cull in Western Australia I am re-posting this article, something I hoped I wouldn't have to do again. Today there is a national day of protest against this cull...

Sharky McFinnigan is to be extradited to The Hague to face numerous charges including crimes against humanity and terrorism.

Sharky was cornered late last week by a heroic group of fishermen who had tracked him across the southern Indian Ocean.

It is believed Sharky will use the, ‘I was only following instincts,’ defence. This has been compared to the, ‘I was just following orders,’ defence often used by Nazi death camp guards, but is probably better than the, ‘if humans did not want to be eaten why do they taste so good,’ defence used by other shark terrorists.

Human rights groups have been vocal over what they say were harsh interrogation methods used by fishermen and in particular the controversial practice of air boarding. This is where a fish is repeatedly brought to the surface to induce a fear of suffocation.

The head of the anti-fish terrorism task force, Mr Donnie Williams said that, ‘these methods are important tools in the toolbox to prevent the sort of undersea terror that these evil fish are willing to risk their lives to commit.’

A spokesman for celebrities against antiterrorism terrorism John Pilger responded to this saying, ‘now with the extrajudicial slaying of Osama Bin Laden, and the defeat of the fictitious Al Qaeda the West needs a new scapegoat. Sharks are to be to the West what Jews were to the Nazis.’

Lord Monckton disagrees stating, ‘John is plainly bonkers. Over a period of many years sharks have convinced the majority of us that they need protection. Did you know that in many parts of the world you can be thrown in prison for swearing at a shark? Wait, I'm not finished. These evil sharks are the people behind green movements around the world. Sharks don't need protection, in fact they have been plotting the downfall of Western civilisation ever since their precious Soviet Union collapsed. Shark protection laws have also caused massive increase in shark numbers and it is this increase and the corresponding increase in fish flatulence that is the real reason behind global warming. I'm afraid, Chris, that the only good shark is a dead shark.’

Sentiments echoed by the Premier of Western Australia the Hon. Colin Barnett, who was heard to say while standing on one of Western Australia's pristine white beaches, ‘We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the oceans, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender!’

It is not a good day to be a shark.

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